Expectations

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On a day to day basis I discover that there is a certain level of expectations that everyone has that I need to conform to. Seems like they have a perception about what a cancer patient should look like. Maybe from other patients they know, or what they heard or seen on TV etc. 

The funny thing is when I don't conform to that norm, they are really disappointed .... in me .... as a patient. I find this quite amusing and disturbing at the same time. 

I am preempting this with the disclaimer that I have no idea that how the next sessions are going to turn out to be. But I also did have the perception that immediately after the first session that I was going to have this excruciating pain and that I was going to be in bed for the next few days. That my hair was going to fall off the next day and that I was going to loose my appetite the next time that someone mentions food ! None of those things happened.

As much as happy I have about this outcome, I was increasingly aware that the people around me helping out were not happy about it. They seem to think that either I was faking it or that maybe the medication was not working. I was very aware of this. I felt obliged to meet some of their expectations and mention the minute discomfort i felt, just to keep them happy and to make them feel like all the hassle that they go through the check on me or provide me with food and supplies were for a good cause. 

Undoubtedly I am grateful for their generosity, but the pressure it creates to showcase something that is not is highly stressful. I try not to think about it in those terms but rather focus on the positives that they bring into my life. 

Thinking about it further, i now realise that it is the general idea of society, that everyone has an expectation about the people around them, parents for their children, bosses for their workers, parents about teachers, everyone. Some of these expectations are called for like parents and children, but when that creates a stressful situation that the other party cannot even talk about, i would think it is gone too far.

Live each day without expectation for anyone or anything !


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