MyITLife

Loosing your hair is big part of therapy I just thought of it as part of the remedy But now I see the effects It has on my family As the scalp skin shows up More and more daily  All I can wish Is that it will be niche   With a polished and shiny finesse Just like the scalp of Bruce Willis!

On a day to day basis I discover that there is a certain level of expectations that everyone has that I need to conform to. Seems like they have a perception about what a cancer patient should look like. Maybe from other patients they know, or what they heard or seen on TV etc.  The funny thing is when I don't conform to that norm, they are really disappointed .... in me .... as a patient . I find this quite amusing and disturbing at the same time.  I am preempting this with the disclaimer that I have no idea that how the next sessions are going to turn out to be. But I also did have the perception that immediately after the first session that I was going to have this excruciating pain and that I was going to be in bed for the next few days. That my hair was going to fall off the next day and that I was going to loose my appetite the next time that someone mentions food ! None of those things happened. As much as happy I have about this outcome, I was increasingly aware ...

  Food. Such a big part of life. We spend only couple of hours a day consuming it but think about it for more than that. Choosing, buying supplies, prepping, cooking etc etc  With my illness. people were quick to offer 2 things - advice and food. I was actually quite surprised and humbled at the same time. Friends and family close by brought in cooked food, others offered advice on what food is better, some bought in supplies. It actually became this huge coordinator effort to figure out who was cooking the food in which week and what was it going to be, how to pick it up or when to bring it over.  It got me thinking though, how is it that food connects us so much? It is a basic need true, but this is certainly not it. We celebrate with food and then there is comfort food for when we are sad. Giving away food or a meal to someone in need it seems is a part of many cultures I think. It seems to be the case in sickness AND in health !  I am very much in debt and gratit...

  Mad rush in the house Buying and placing clocks in every room Mostly bathrooms!  To tell the time I suppose To do or not to do something On Time But what time does it really tell? Not your time certainly Time school starts Time work starts Time of the train, the bus, the plane Time for a meeting Time to call someone Time to meet someone Always someone else's time Never the time for yourself !

  Everyone has an opinion about something. Some chose to voice it some choice to keep it to themselves.  It is funny how when some people are talking to me about my illness I slowly realise that they are actually not talking to me about me. But rather they are talking to themselves about me. About how it could be them; how it could be worse; what mechanisms do they have to cope with a situation like that; what they are doing right now in their lives to prevent something like this; things they should be doing in their lives to prevent something like this.  Beneath all of it I feel they also have the fear about themselves that if it could happen to someone living a normal life, it could happen to them too.  But then again I guess all our conversations are like that. About things we know and about things we don't know, and how to make sense of it all. 

  First session today at the beach themed chemo centre! All I could think was how calm and composed the nurses were with their cheerful demeanour all the while injecting this poison into the body !  I just told everybody it was May the 4th. Of course there was one who responded, "Yes, it is the 4th of May today"  All in all the force was strong !

  Tomorrow is a big day ... It always is !